Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
