god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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