he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
where are my eyebrows?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
