yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
