What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
