so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
