Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
