everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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