I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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