what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
