Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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