I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
