2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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