We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
