i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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