I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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