The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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