I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
