I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
