Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
