I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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