You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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