I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
