She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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