I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
