If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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