Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
