can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Everything about him screamed your future.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
