You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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