it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
