You really coming over, don't trick.
I puked a lego.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
