12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
