I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
