i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
