and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
