I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
