I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need a beard to bite.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
