i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I will be naked everywhere
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize