I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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