I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
