fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
