Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
