I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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