Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
