I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
