wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
