1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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