This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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