if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
