I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
