What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We need a shit load of segways right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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