I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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