Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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