so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
