I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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