I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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