today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
