my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
