ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
