I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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