Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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