I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
