I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
