2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
