First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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