If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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