Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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