God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
